At the beginning of a relationship, there can be a lot of adjustment for two people to find their rhythm. Reddit user SameTrainer thought she and her boyfriend had worked out most of their early challenges through honest communication and patience. But one issue kept bugging her and ultimately got so big that it began to overshadow everything else. Her partner’s female best friend, who acted all sweet whenever he was around, would turn into an insufferable jerk whenever it was just the two of them. So the woman turned to r/Relationship_Advice to describe her feelings in greater detail and ask its members for guidance on handling the tense situation.
This woman couldn’t stand her boyfriend’s female best friend
Image credits: natali_brill / freepik (not the actual photo)
So she asked the internet what to do about it
Image credits: kues1 / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: SameTrainer
It’s completely natural to be jealous in this situation
In a relationship, it can feel threatening to notice our partner having deep emotional intimacy with another person, let alone someone with whom they share a history. But that isn’t out of the ordinary.
“You may be jealous that your boyfriend’s friend is getting his time and attention. Or, sometimes jealousy is triggered by comparing yourself to … [them] and feeling inadequate or not good enough,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Lauren Pietra.
The most important thing is how you deal with these thoughts and emotions. According to Pietra, this starts with communicating to your partner how you feel. This may feel daunting at first because you can easily imagine the conversation going off the rails. But it’s necessary.
The therapist recommends reminding your partner that you trust them as a starting point. “Remember to use I-statements and own the feeling that you are having (and working through) rather than blaming or accusing your partner,” she explains.
While you’re communicating with your partner, you’ll probably want to get into the nitty-gritty of boundaries and agreements. Pietra says this offers an opportunity to invite your partner to share their own beliefs and values around friendships (and friendships with the opposite gender). You also get a chance to do the same. “So you can get clear together on what is appropriate or inappropriate in your specific relationship.”
Pietra says the line between what constitutes a friendship and something more is far too nuanced and personalized to each couple, so everyone needs to work it out for themselves; however, there is a unifying principle to keep in mind. “Lying and secrecy would definitely be signs of possible boundary crossing.”
People had a lot of things to say after reading the woman’s story
Eventually, the woman came back with an update on her situation, revealing that there was, in fact, a very solid reason beneath the “friend’s” behavior
Image credits: namii9 / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: goffkein / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: SameTrainer
Sadly, it’s relatively common for people to secretly hold out hope for their old acquaintances
While it’s unfair to commit to someone when you still have feelings for someone else, people continue to do it.
According to a recent survey, one in five (20%) Americans in a relationship says their current partner is not the one for them.
However, women are slightly more likely than men to feel this way (14% vs. 11%).
More worryingly, one in six (16%) respondents in a relationship says there is someone in their life they would leave their current partner for if that person showed romantic interest.
And this time, men are more likely (19%) than women (12%) to admit they would act on those feelings if given the chance.
Commenting on the study’s findings, Adam Horvath, Clinical Psychologist at Personal Psychology, says, “It is not uncommon to think we could leave our partner for the new, exciting, mysterious other one, but it matters how we respond to these feelings.”
“We’re human,” Horvath adds. “Attraction does not turn off when we say ‘I choose you.’ What matters is what we do with our feelings, and whether we’re honest with ourselves about why they’re there. Having a daydream about someone else isn’t rare or pathological, and it doesn’t automatically mean you are a bad partner, let alone that your relationship is doomed.”
The psychologist says that our brains are wired to notice a romantic interest. “It’s biology, not betrayal.”
But it gets messy when we think these feelings are meaningful enough to act on. “When we compare our real partner to a fantasy of someone else, and check out because ‘there’s something better.’ That’s less about the crush and more about something missing that the backup person represents: playfulness, romance, excitement. Or sometimes simply just something new.”
Whatever the reason this time, it wasn’t harmless curiosity. He chose his crush over his girlfriend, and the least he could’ve done was break up with her first.
People couldn’t believe the guy could have gone that low
